Uncategorized – Blogger Woman

How long do we stay in?

This question has been in my mind for the last one year. Exactly for a year after COVID-19 started spreading its waves of destruction across the world, I was the perfect mother hen. I ordered everything online, didn’t go out unless its absolutely necessary, and even if I did go out, I doused myself in sanitizer and handwash and a full bath on top of it all in order to ward off this uninvited virus guest. All in the fear of whatever happened in Italy, in some parts of North India – unable to breathe – that is a really scary way to die. What’s even scarier is watching your loved ones suffocate. Even though my taste buds dreamed of hot Fulka rotis and spicy Chilli Gobi (occasionally they dreamed of McDonald’s burgers and French fries), we never risked our favourite thing to do on weekends – eating out. We kept vigilant, reading the news and keeping ourselves informed of all the gory details of things happening in the world.

Things started changing a bit when I got pregnant and there was the absolute need of going to the hospital for monthly check-ups. First time we went to the hospital, I was too scared to be near other people – I was literally warding off corona virus with my imaginary wand by running away from crowds. That thing is not completely possible when I am visiting a doctor in a big hospital, I started saying to myself. Slowly we started having a tea and snack from the hospital cafeteria and later we graduated to a nearby vegetarian restaurant. Slowly I began enjoying the hospital visits and began to wait for the next check-up eagerly. Its true that man adapts, heals and overcomes anything – whatever fear or trauma. We were slowly progressing to how things were before COVID when the second wave started. Around the same time, my third trimester started.

Work was a very good distraction; I could lose myself in my work – finding out bugs for an application that is going to be used somewhere in the US. But the morning news was always increasing my anxiety to the peak. Thousands of people dying, everyday I could see at least one pregnant woman’s news of death following delivery complicated by COVID. I imagined my children without a mother, my husband slowly moving on in life with another imaginary woman and my children living life miserably. I hated myself for going to pregnancy when there is a pandemic going on. I was absolutely terrified of leaving my elder son. I was often in tears after reading the newspaper everyday (mostly due to hormones as I say to my husband now), and my husband told me not to read news everyday if I can’t control my fears. Anyway, the second wave started waning slowly and we were still safe. I gave birth to a baby girl, becoming a mother for the second time. Honestly, I was still worried when the doctor and nurses touched me or the baby, the fear of contracting COVID-19 seemed to have taken hold of me by roots. After one week from getting discharged, we didn’t contract the virus, thanks to Almighty. That seemed to boost up my confidence so much.

After postpartum rest, so many days of remaining indoors with an infant and a toddler, I got vaccinated and that seemed to inject me with a new found courage to venture out from home. I started going to supermarkets, textile shops etc (warily though). After one month, we even started going out with our 3-year-old, and he was so excited that we just had to take him out again. For the child’s sake, we took him to parks, less crowded shops and even restaurants. Generally, we all got a confidence that things are going well, no need to be worried about going out if we are careful etc. Even our parents started coming out with us sometimes, that was the absolute reminder that things are slowly but surely coming back to normal. We celebrated Christmas by going out with both kids (the younger one now 5 months old), ate outside and still we were good. Naturally, we went outside on New Year’s Day also. The next day, my daughter woke up with a stuffed nose, by evening my son had a runny nose and by next day he developed a fever and I also had a cold and blocked nose. We never suspected anything COVID related, such was our confidence. Gone were the days when I used to lose sleep when my husband sneezed or my mother-in-law had a cold and I wondered if it was COVID. Yesterday night, my head was almost ready to explode with headache and I asked my husband for some pain balm. He brought something and applied on my forehead. With a sudden jolt I realized that I am not getting any smell. Warning bells rang non-stop in my head and I started trying to smell different things – soap, shampoo, perfume, baby wipes, Vicks, Dettol and even kerosene. Nothing. My mind went blank – in shock or fear or some divine sort of courage, I don’t know.

Guilt took over in a few minutes. I cursed myself for going out with an infant and a 3-year-old to restaurants. My husband was lamenting over how we were going out more nowadays. My brain was planning on how to manage two kids who are sick and myself without taking help from asymptomatic family members which included elderly and weak ones. At the same time my brain was chewing over the disastrous things that might happen if something happened to me or kids or anyone, and how I can live (or die) with that. My super multi-tasking brain was giving me courage at the same time – people have endured worse; children are less affected and we are also normal human beings who are NOT immune to COVID like others. Somehow, we waited till morning and got tested. As I sit here, contemplating whether I am having COVID-19 (which took millions of lives around the world) or just usual blocked nose, I couldn’t help but think that I can’t stay indoors any more. Even if I got the virus or not, I simply can’t live in fear and waste moments of precious life. My son’s happiness as he runs around a park, or the look of wonder when my baby girl sees moving cars for the first time, or the sparkle in my husband’s eyes as he eats his favourite masala dosa from his favourite restaurant – all these are more important than fear of the unknown. Casually but with caution, we will step out. Will you?

Am I a Feminist?

This question first popped into my mind when one of my male friends asked it out aloud, many years back, “Nee feminist aano”, meaning “Are you a feminist” as if its a bad word. I denied, as I thought I don’t really know what feminism is, better not to be someone whom I dont know. Later I googled, what feminism really means. As per google, feminism is the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes. Later on during my college days, I was never much interested in feminism even though I felt what the feminists are advocating is right. I wasn’t denied anything at home owing to my gender, in fact I was given more preference as I was a girl. So I was really lucky in that manner. But as time passed on, I really understood what the fuss is all about.

I am going to tell my views on feminism on the basis of two experiences I had, one at home and the other at work. These are not some incidents that just happened one fine day, these are what I experienced over time, with subtelety and it took quite a long time to realize the depth of the issue, how minutely patriarchy is ingrained inside each one of us (both men and women, women especially). This is something which is being seasoned again and again, everyday by both women and men. Even I was supporting patriarchy in many ways, I later realized. It has become that chair in your drawing room, which you never notice but still take up so much space.

Lets start with the work experience. I am a person who started working in a MNC after marriage. Thankfully, my husband and myself work in the same company, different projects. I made many friends, many were happy for us, some were jealous, some were indifferent – all these never mattered as long as the attitude remained civil. Some just assumed I got the job on my husband’s referral, some were finding it difficult to believe that I got into a project without any recommendation from my husband. As I corrected them (I’m sure they don’t believe it), I felt the victory over three interviews for getting into that project just faded a bit in front of the husband factor. Nevertheless, I moved on. The interesting factor being, all these assumptions were made and communicated by women only.

All these were silly issues, still the bigger one came when some indirectly told me it doesn’t matter what performance band or hike you get, your husband is earning. Like this job is some sort of a hobby or time pass for me. Why in the world would I not mind getting rewarded for the work I do ? Instead of thinking how much we are earning into our family, why can’t I be just any other employee inside office? I was really stumped, seeing that even in this 21st century, people have such petty thoughts. Things got even worse after I joined back after maternity leave. The fact that a woman has many important roles to play in her life – of a mother, a wife, a daughter-in-law is known to everybody. Some might even be lecturing their wives/daughters on all these. But when a female colleague has to go a bit early as her infant is sick, all these people wrinkle their noses. In such context, they compare how other mothers are leaving their child in day cares and how come she doesn’t do that! Is she too stingy? Is she making an excuse to leave early?For all such losers, I just have one finger to show and one sentence to tell – just bother about the work she is doing!

Photo Feminism in cartoons - 2 of 8 - D - la Repubblica's weekly ... — Image Source: Google

Next, the slightest hints of chauvinism at our homes. I am from an upper middle class family, married into another similar family. My in-laws are really supportive when it comes to me working, leaving behind my baby and skipping many household chores and I’m lucky that they are having such forward thinking. In fact, my father-in-law gives me driving lessons and always encourages to learn more, work hard, earn more and save plenty. I strongly believe they get this forward thinking from their education, their career (both my in-laws are retired teachers from Government service), their experiences and the books they read. Still it stinged a little bit when my mother-in-law told me she used to like the boys in her class more than the girls. It stinged a little bit more when when my father-in-law told to be extra cautious while driving nearby vehicles driven by women as they are mostly careless drivers. And it stings the most when all of them including my own parents treats and appreciates my husband like a war-hero when he looks after our baby for one hour, and I’m not even sympathized after taking too much strain in taking care of a naughty toddler. Of course I am happy that I have a husband who helps me, a family that supports me; but these slight nuances stirs the feminist inside me. These are nothing to be worried about, but just look at the normalcy of such feelings. The patriarchy is so smoothly blended into us.

Life has to move on, that too happily. So we just close our eyes to such small matters and concentrate on the positives of life. Well at least we have a job! At least we have a supportive family. Atleast my husband is not a person who wants a post graduate homemaker. So I am enjoying all the good things in life. Or am I overlooking these because I know this can’t be changed?

And Yes! I AM a feminist.

Evolution

Have you ever wondered about evolution? I’m not talking about Darwin’s theory, rather I’m talking about our own evolution from a scrawny teenager to the man or woman you are today. Its always a great timepass for me thinking about the changes that happened in me over the years. Right now, as I’m counting the months till I’m into 30, I am thinking about my own evolution very often. Recently, I met a school friend after so many years. In fact I met him for the first time after school. We saw a few times afterwards, and after the first day of awkwardness it was heartwarming to find that the wavelength still exists, we were those scrawny teenagers at heart.

My friend casually stated how much I have changed, from the girl who used to come to school with oily hair and big glasses to lipsticks, contacts lenses and fashionable/presentable handbags. Later that night, I thought – is it the appearance only that changed? Hell no! I am a completely different person now. I’m not sure if many people feel so, but thinking back I never liked the old me. Apart from bad fashion choices, I made a lot of bad choices at that time which very badly affected my education, career and life paths. Even though I turned up not so bad in life there are times when we regret making certain life choices – that train of thoughts starting with ‘If I had done so then ‘. Even though I loved my school life, I don’t miss that life. I’ve seen so many people getting nostalgic about their school life, but the only thing I miss about being in school was the ample time we had for doing things we love, the music practice sessions, the teachers. But friends – No. I know it sounds strange, but its true. I don’t miss my school friends. Sounds pretty messed up, right?

As I analyse this strange phenomena I find out there are two reasons. The first one is that I never indulged in fun activities with my school friends like playing games (I wasn’t a sports person..still not), going for movies (parents didn’t allow till I was older), or any others. The second reason – I was that studious girl who felt all these were a waste of time from studies and the only real friends I had were my Harry Potter books. I do have very few school friends who keep in touch, but I guess I wasn’t popular among the famous guys and girls. As I moved from school to college, things changed as I met a whole bunch of new friends who didn’t have any pre-judgements and I made friends fast. The first year of engineering college was so awesome, and I got the taste of what fun real friends are. There was still so many restrictions from my parents’ side which dampened the spirits, but still I was having fun.

Somehow things changed again as so many things happened and again I pulled back from many good friends. Now when I look back, the decisions and choices we make before 20 years are completely stupid. So my real friends for life time came only later – when I was in Hyderabad for GATE coaching and later when I joined for Masters in Engineering. These two phases were real game changers and I still can’t emphasize strongly enough how much I value those days. I realized how much a person’s life changes when they start actually living with friends, away from parents. Had I been in a hostel from my graduation days I’m sure things would have been different. I became more sharing, caring and responsible. Late night talks, gossiping, doing laundry together, cooking together, a whole new family is being created for us and how beautiful those memories are. I’m so happy I evolved into a person with very less friends to a person with some best friends.

Through all the years of my infamous evolution, there was one person who faithfully stood by me through thick and thin. Now when I look back, the only real friend I had throughout was my brother. We were not the filmy type brother-sister duo where brother would cry seeing sister hurt. In fact ours was a more equal relation where he never quite pampered me (though I wish sometimes he had), treated me like an equal, fought with me, made me do my own things. We never kept in touch continuously, but I know when I need him he will be there, whatever happens. Also if someone hurts me, he will encourage me to kick their ass instead of doing it himself. So, whoever I am today, I have evolved the hard way through heartaches, heartbreaks, real friends, fake friends, special friends and rock solid support from family. Quite lucky, aren’t I?

PS: Image source: Google

My Little Teacher

Today I’m writing about the things I learnt from my son, a 20 months old toddler. Often we overlook these tiny humans, but watch closely and we can find so many things to learn from them. The life as a mother is taking its toll in many ways I agree, but its all worthwhile, believe me.

Babies and Kids Photography New Delhi | Baby girl photography ...

1. Staying happy

The first and foremost thing I learned from my baby is that you can be happy ALWAYS. If we observe a toddler laughs loudly atleast 10 times in an hour. The giggles, cute little snorts and smiley faces are making the people around them also happy. No matter if they fell and cry, show them their favourite toy and they start smiling through the tears, get engrossed in their play and in a few minutes they forget all their pains. How many of us have tried this? Next time you’re hurt just take up your favourite hobby / favourite show/ call your favourite person/make your favourite meal. Get engrossed and forget the pain. The trick is to distract your mind which keeps focussing on the hurt. You just need to re-focus onto things you love.

2. Perseverance

Often I see my boy trying to pull open that cupboard which is locked with a key. I try to reason with him, saying it can be opened with a key only which I’m not going to give you. Still he tries to open with his whole strength. Seeing his effort, I offer him the key which I know he won’t be able to insert properly in the keyhole. He is happy with the result that I gave him the key. He tries again with full energy. Sometimes he loses interest, leaves the key and goes off. Sometimes he throws the key away in frustration. But he always come back, tries and within days he succeeds in inserting the key properly. The same continues in turning the key and opening the cupboard. Its amazing that the small kid has so much perseverance while we adults are disheartened by our first failure. Keep the fire burning, always come back with full energy. The result will be fruitful, although delayed.

3. Love unconditionally

As a parent, I have disappointed my baby in many ways. He cries when he wakes up and doesn’t find me near. He cries when I don’t give him my mobile phone / TV remote / other costly items that may get damaged. He cries when I don’t let him spoil freshly laundered clothes. He cries when I scold him / pinch him for beating / biting others. In a day there are so many times when he throws tantrums and the reason behind the tantrum is me. Still he loves me unconditionally. The minute I pretend to cry, he comes running to my arms and showers me with kisses. At night he needs me beside him to sleep no matter how much I have made him cry unintentionally (No mother in the world wants their child to cry deliberately…situations!). His face blooms like a flower when he sees me first after waking up. I cuddle him up in the morning soon after waking up. Now I ask myself – Are we adults this much forgiving? How many days we build up anger before finally forgiving small mistakes? Even after days/months we keep pricking the old wounds. Be like a baby – love without conditions, forgive and be happy in the smallest of things!

4. Curiosity

The one big change that happened in my life after the baby was born is that I began observing nature again. Just a crow on a tree outside keeps my little one engaged and happy for so much time. Slowly I began observing nature through his eyes and good lord, we do live in a beautiful world. In the mechanical monotony of home – office – home routines its been a while since I paused to smell the flowers in my garden, or noticing anything beautiful. Nowadays I’m astounded in the variety of birds around us, and the different sorts of chirpings we hear everyday. Its like I’ve suddenly tuned into a new radio channel. All these beauties I have been ignoring. The child finds all this so entertaining and in turn the curiosity needs to be developed in us also. From my baby I learnt this lesson – I’m now enjoying our nature more, which soothes my mind.

5. Compassion

I truly believed that good manners, kindness all these are to be taught. Turns out most of the people have some of the seeds of compassion and other good traits embedded in them by birth. From blowing kissies to kittens in the cartoons to offering food to crows, they do have concern and love for other living beings. May be they learn from others, maybe its their goodness. When was the last time we hugged our friends? or family members? When was the last time we said ‘I love you’ to the people that matters? Lets learn it from toddlers, lets hug and kiss people who love us ( after the covid-19 pandemic passes of course!) and not take them for granted.

Apart from this, I’m still learning so much from my little one, in fact he is teaching me new lessons of patience, how to curb your frustrations etc with all sorts of mischief and a cute little face. In fact I’m growing along with him – as a mother, as a friend, as a better human being. And I’m cherishing each moment to the fullest because as they say, very soon our homes will be less messy and a lot quieter and the little ones will no longer fit into our laps and we are going to miss them terribly. More like sand in our fists, their childhood will drizzle past, and can never be regained. So be like a baby (pun intended)!!

Dealing with the Monotony

When you watch a happy family enjoying shopping or watching a movie , we may feel like ‘Wow, look at them. They are so happy’. Often we feel the same about ourselves too. Like we are good. We are making some good memories. And in those happy moments, we may feel so proud of the lives we have created for us and our family. The thing about happiness is they just don’t last. Cruel isn’t it? Even a little jape made by any outsider or by someone in your family may spoil the whole balance of your family. And when there is no external factor, sometimes our own inner turmoil may affect the happiness of the whole family.

Dealing With Monotony - Guest Columnists - Parshah

Mostly, the inner thoughts impact women more. This indirectly makes women the problem-makers in a family. The main reason being women are over-thinkers and more sensitive. Another factor being the fact that women are providing more in a family – be it in raising children or cooking or cleaning – in addition to regular jobs in case of working women. These are ingrained deep into the minds of people and that cannot be changed, even though some positive changes can be seen nowadays. Most women never complained in the older generations like our mothers and grand mothers, but today its not the same. Some call it equality, others may call it feminism. The same way a loving husband who helps his wife in household chores is seen as the ideal man by some, and a good-for-nothing-fella by some others.

Coming back to the topic, over-thinking in women may just strike a chord unexpectedly. You are perfectly happy in your life, doing all your chores responsibly and even your husband is contributing as much as he can. All of a sudden you feel as though he can do something more right? Why is the child being so un-cooperating? Why should I be the one to solve his/her tantrums always? Why am I supposed to solve everything for everyone? Its like I’m living for making others’ life comfortable? Who will make my life comfortable? This saga of thoughts may continue to result in fights between couples who were perfectly in love an hour ago. For some it may dangerously lead to thoughts like ‘I am so worthless. Nobody loves me. Why should I keep on living? ‘ . The one thing about our minds – its a dreadful master and a faithful servant.

Most of the women dealing with depression came all this way. I think we just need to show the red signal to our thoughts when it goes down that dangerous path. Its difficult, I know. But definitely not impossible. Atleast we need to divert our thoughts – take up some of our old hobbies, read a book, hum a song. Take a piece of paper and jot down the things around you that make you happy. List out the name of persons who genuinely loves you, even though you may feel like they don’t. Take a break from all the chaos when it becomes too much. Go shopping alone, go to a beauty salon and get your hair done – You’ll definitely feel better. When nothing works, go hug your mother. It all becomes better then. Now you know how your child feels when he/she clings on to you. I’m sure you’ll feel double the energy in doing all those tiring things for your child. Also remember how much your husband cared when you were having the baby. That alone will erase all the hard feelings for him. Converse with love and I’m sure everybody will understand you.

Just put all the negative thoughts that monotony brings into a hypothetical trash box and throw it away. All these are fool proof methods – tried and succeeded by so many people. So, its all about your mindset. Nothing about life is monotonous, we just need to add the colors ourselves. Colors of love, passion, happiness and gratefulness.

Quarantine Thoughts

Often we see some memes in social media starting with ’90’s kids be like’. Well, the complete national lockdown will be something for all of us not only the 90’s kids(or adults). Its the first time all of us are facing such a serious situation. Just before lockdown, I was the kind of person who wanted to sit at home puposefully, but now that I have to do that, I’m rethinking my priorities. We all must, as a matter of fact.

How many of us used to complain of atleast one thing a day ( I have a list of my old complaints) ? We all had that face – ‘Why did the maid take a leave today of al days’ or ‘Why is the damn traffic this bad’ or ‘why did I get this task on Friday’. I’m sure all of us can find so many mundane complaints that used to spoil our moods pre-lockdown days. Now that we have no traffic to beat, nor do we have the maid coming, nor does it matter if its a Friday or Monday, I’m actually surprised – Why did we make a big deal of all this?

Instagram and Facebook are filled with different ways people are coping with the lock down. People sharing workout videos, cooking experiments, people dusting their hidden talents and many are coming up with challenges some of which are too funny. What is a day without challenging at least one person! Reflecting on myself, there are not much changes in my days except that I’m waking up early to do my yoga everyday. Apart from that half an hour, my days are the same – finishing the household chores before my work time. That includes bathing the baby, feeding the baby, washing our clothes etc. Thankfully, cooking department is being handled by my mother. Sometimes I feel jealous of people doing various kinds of fun activities like cooking, painting etc. I even started to paint an earthen pot with some mandal designs ( I couldn’t find proper brushes / paints and can’t go out to buy them even).

On a weekend, I decided to do some cooking experiments. Unfortunately, any recipe I take from the internet there are ingredients you just can’t find in a normal Kerala household. So I read 2 books in a weekend. One was a self motivational book and the other was a fiction by an Indian author. But then I used to read before lockdown also, at night after I put the baby to sleep. So it was nothing new. The new feeling which I had is that I began to miss people. I agree I’m with my family, I’m getting more time to spend with them all that I’m happy for. But I miss the camaraderie that I shared with my colleagues, the cafeteria at office with all those varieties of evening snacks ( which I used to eat complaining about the oil content), oh hell I even miss the long line for tea. Not only office, I miss getting ready for office, going out..who wants to stay in your pajamas for the whole day?
In addition to all this, we have the looming pandemic. On a brighter side, we are safe in our homes, with our family, we have food in our bellies, damn we got a job with salary also. Aren’t we all lucky? So coming back to priorities, the only things we need to worry about are food, shelter and such basic things. There’s no need to spoil a day because the maid took leave , we can live without her also. There’s no problem if we couldn’t get tickets to a movie we wanted to see so badly (good for you, you won’t get any virus from there). We can spend time with our loved ones watching TV also. My point is, we are good the way we are even if we are not doing anything special or instagram-worthy. It’s completely fine if you didn’t make dalgona coffee or watch Money Heist! Sometimes being simple is also special, just try it !

Toxins all around!

This is Priya’s story. The story about her journey to happiness. A journey from toxic life to a happy healthy life.

Priya is a smart and beautiful girl doing her graduation. She plays violin, reads a lot, studies well and she is the apple of her parents’ eyes. Maybe that’s why her parents didn’t oppose when she started a relationship with her classmate. He was her good friend, clearly smitten and head over heels in love with her. They always texted each other and he kept on pestering her lovingly for staying in touch always.

Graduation years passed by, Priya concentrated on two things only – her studies and her boyfriend. She didn’t have time for anything else. She had exams to prepare for, interviews to be attended and at night only, she got time to talk to her boyfriend who was missing her more and more each day. Priya got placed in 2 multinational companies much to her parents’ delight and Priya was very excited too. She had so many hopes on the new prospects, new city and everything. But her boyfriend was sad, as they will be in a long distance relationship now. Anyway, Priya decided to take up the opportunity and somehow she felt guilty inside as she was leaving against her boyfriend’s wishes.

After a long tear-filled goodbye and so much drama, she left for her job and from then on, her life became hell. Job was great, friends were great, but she was imprisoned in her cell phone. She felt that she had to be in contact with him always – either though constant texting, or calls in order to make up for the guilt. That was when her relationship started becoming toxic. When her friends went out together, she stayed home to talk to him. She gave up playing violin, as he wanted her to play only for him, even though she loved the attention and the praises. Everything out of love only, anyways. Somehow nothing seemed to satisfy her boyfriend. She never realized how much toxic her relationship was becoming and how deep she was in the pit. Once her phone became dead and she hadn’t taken the charger with her. On returning to her home, he bashed her and made her cry for an hour on the phone. She was fed up of everything – her job, her friends who were having way more fun than her. She felt resentful towards everybody. She kept focusing on her love life only.

Finally, all this took a toll on her health. She was suffering and her parents advised her to quit her job and come back home. She gladly agreed. But even then her boyfriend kept on abusing her mentally and verbally. One fine day, she took a stand for herself, switched off her phone and broke up with him. Oddly she felt relaxed and slept peacefully at night.

Then Priya pursued all her dreams happily, found love again, somebody who respects her, proud to show her off and lived happily ever after. Moral of the story – It takes only a moment’s decision to break up with toxic people in your life.

PS: Toxic boyfriends don’t even deserve a fake name!!

What if ?

Little post update!Recently, I’ve been caught up in my busy life – work, family etc and all these were making me feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling really low these days when I found my old diary in my cupboard. I simply read through random entries and instantly I felt better. Some of my entries were really enjoyable when I read now…for example 60 things I love about my life. An I’ve taken the pleasure to number it and write down everything that I love. I haven’t been writing regularly since marriage and I regretted that instantly. Priorities change, but you should be your first priority always. That should not have changed.

I found this small poem I wrote in my old diary and I’m sharing it here. Can’t help smiling at the hopeless romantic that I was before marriage! (Or maybe I had too much time and romance novels!)

What if ?

What if I died today

and couldn’t meet you one last time

What if I lost my memory today

and forgot all our favorite moments

What if I became deaf today

and could never hear your voice calling out my name

What if I lose my mind today

and couldn’t recognize you anymore

What if I lost my voice today

and couldn’t sing a last song for you

What if all these never happen

and you never knew how much you meant for me..

So, what if your problems are never ending, keep calm and hug your mom! Keep your loved ones close, tell them you love them and enjoy all the little things you love in your life!!

Out with a Bang!

As I watched the final episode of The Big Bang Theory, officially the longest sitcom ever(12 seasons, started in the year 2007), I became a bit dewy-eyed. I couldn’t help but wonder, how many of us in the real world will actually befriend Sheldon Cooper? In a world where everybody wants to be praised and appreciated without any good reason, imagine a particularly nasty person who puts you down always, behaves as though everything about you is beneath him, self-centered and bossy – all might have stopped imagining such a nightmare. Hard to believe but this person rooted us to our televisions for 12 years. Jim Parsons, you are an epic, a miracle or some sort of acting God.

Each person has one or the other quirks, and intolerance will neither help us nor others. I am really happy with the way the show ended, being a motivation for all the nerds out there, showing lonely teenagers that they can have a fun life too. And it starts when you meet the right people. And that girls can also have a career in Science and succeed. The only thing I couldn’t quite agree on was that Penny got pregnant and she is happy about it. The woman didn’t want a child and all of a sudden she had to be pregnant and happy mostly because the fans wanted to see the finale in that way. What happened to the husband and wife both having a say in the decision and all that stuff!

The final episode shows how beautifully the character of Dr Sheldon Cooper has evolved to the unrealistic/surreal moment of ‘ I love you all ‘ coming from him. His accomplishments were made possible because his friends supported him despite being so irritable. In real world, how many of us will support Sheldon? In reality, the only things growing in the world today are intolerance and landfills. Life won’t be easy for Sheldon out here in the real world.

Lets think how real life would be for Sheldon in reality.

First of all he will never get a roommate who sticks with him for 12 years – there goes Leonard out of the picture.
Sheldon will be the ‘ nerd-next-door ‘ or ‘ the freaky neighbor ‘ for Penny
As Leonard is out of the picture, Howard and Raj will never be acquainted with Sheldon
There goes Amy and Bernadette out of the show
Sheldon might have survived college somehow but I wonder how he got through the interview at Caltech
Even if he did manage to get the job, can he survive workplace issues with colleagues like us? I highly doubt whether his career will be successful at all
He may probably grow old in his apartment, sitting on his spot on the couch playing video games without any friends or girlfriend. How sad would that be!

You’ve given me lot of fond memories, The Big Bang Theory! And I never believed I could love any other sitcom after FRIENDS.

Also the Goddamn elevator was fixed, finally!

Damaged Goods

Today I am writing about my best friend in college. Let’s call her D. D was my only good friend in college who genuinely cared about me. I had lots of friends, but everybody has that one best friend. We were inseparable in college. We took the same bus to college, sat next to each other, had lunch together and did everything together basically. I was so lucky I found a good friend and a good heart in her. She was a savior for me as I was feeling so left out and alone in college. We shared food, laughs, gossips and so many fun moments.

We prepared for exams together. D always envied me getting good marks, and she said it openly to my face. I liked that, it made me feel good. She made fun of me being studious and I joined in the laughs. I helped her learn Microprocessors and Computer Programming which was difficult for her. One thing I liked about D was that she was very honest. If she didn’t like my dress, she told it to my face. If she thought my hairstyle was boring, she told it to my face. Also she told me she envied my good looks, body and the fact that I seemed to be quite popular among the boys! (She was quite wrong, it turned out later)

D was one of the only-friends-with-girls types in a mixed class. She wanted to be friends with the boys too, she told me. I gladly introduced her to the fun friends I had and they welcomed her to our circle with open hands. We completed each other in a way when I think back now. During the study holidays we went to each others’ home and studied together. Our moms made us lunch and snacks and we were like one family. Her brothers became my brothers, my brother became hers and we all led a happy life. As all good things never last, our good days also didn’t.

Infosys came for campus placement in our college in the final year. I got in, she didn’t. I helped her in preparing, but the competition was just too hard for her. Standard Chartered came for placement then, again I got placed and she didn’t. I tried to help her again but she seemed to dislike me helping her. I sensed that her pride hurt when I helped her like a know-it-all so I drew back a little. I thought that letting her figure out on her own will be better. And she did. After so many companies, she got placed in a not-so-bad yet not-so-great company. I congratulated her and she thanked me in a somewhat cold manner.

By then D was in a relationship with a guy in my class who had three different girlfriends in the past three years. I didn’t approve of it, though it was none of my business. As we were close friends who were brutally honest with each other, I told her she is doing a mistake. I thought that Mr Lover will hurt her and in turn she hurt me by saying that I don’t know him well. True. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know her either. Our friendship was effectively and officially ruined, and by the time our college life ended, we were like complete strangers who just talked politely to each other just for the sake of showing others.

I never bothered to keep in touch with D, I was angry and sort of believed that she had always been jealous of me. I went to another city in another state; I learned that she didn’t accept her job offer after all. We all were busy with our own lives. I made new relations, failed in many new relations, got into so many messes. Life was so happening with me, one day she calls me and invites me for her wedding the next day. She broke up with Mr. Romeo and this was an arranged marriage. I was kind of caught off-guard. That night, I thought about the deep friendship we had. If it hadn’t turned out this way, I would have been dancing on her wedding eve rather than brooding alone in my room at night. I didn’t go to her wedding. I couldn’t.

I joined college again for my Masters degree and I gathered from her Whatsapp statuses that she is a housewife and staying in some North Indian city. Somewhere I felt smug that my life is more happening than hers. After my Masters degree, I got placed in another MNC, I got engaged and also got married. I invited her for my marriage, one of those polite phone calls you make to people whom you don’t care about. She didn’t come, as expected. After 2 more years, one fine day I got a call from her. After 8 years, I talked to her. Properly. The long time gap has changed her. She was more mature, so was I. She asked about my baby and I was genuinely shattered knowing that D was having infertility issues. We talked for a long time, texted for a whole day after that. She promised to come see me and my baby. I told my mom, D is coming. But she didn’t.

I didn’t feel anger towards her for breaking her promise. I felt angry at myself for not keeping in touch with her. For not forgiving the silly mistakes of a 20-year old. For not raising myself to the situation. For ruining a relationship. For not mending a simple problem. For giving up on my best friend. For being immature when I shouldn’t have been. I should have stayed with her all these years, all through her sadness, all through her struggles. I shouldn’t have lost hope in our relation. As for now, even though I want to, I can’t mend it. Its way too much damaged. Some damaged goods keep haunting your wardrobe, like that dress you can’t wear and you can’t throw away.